Journey Thru Grief
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First Weeks

Home Alone

"Home Alone" sounds like a movie title. I'm sure most people have seen it. Well, that's just what I felt like, the little boy in the movie, exploring a whole new world without his family. I had no family near me at this point. Our youngest child had just left home a month before. Our other children were living on their own. The closest one available to me was two hours away. Everyone else in our family lived in different states.

I took four weeks off of work. During the daytime, I could just pretend my husband was at work. It worked for me. Except, he just kept working. When was he gonna come home? Why didn't he call me and tell me he was working over?

Night time was my down fall. It was dark and so was my world. I was use to curling up next to my husband at night. He wasn't there anymore. I could still smell him on his pillow. I would even curl up to his pillow. But, it wasn't the same. I wasn't use to him not being near.

Receiving Support

After the funeral, many people offered their assistance. They would say,"Call me if you need anything and I will help you." I didn't need their help. All I needed was for my husband to come home. Besides, what could they do to help me? Or, so I thought.

My first lesson came within a few days. One night, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be alone at night. I just couldn't stop crying and that was bad enough because my father always told me that I was strong and strong people didn't cry. But I couldn't do that. I knew I was letting him down. I called my mother in another state. She explained that he never knew what to do and it hurt him when I cried but this was a time that I needed to cry.

At this point, I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to be alone. It just didn't feel right, not saying it does now. I went on and made my next phone call. I called a very dear friend. I tested one of those people who said they would come if I needed them. She was here within an hour. The next morning, she returned to her family.

The lesson I learned early on was that people are not mind readers. I needed to open myself up to receive their love and kindness. I needed to tell them what I needed. Yes, there are a few out there that will take advantage of us, but basically, most people are kind and generous. Humans are a socialable species. We need each other in order to survive. If we open our own hearts, then and only then will be able to feel and experience love and kindness.